Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
