Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
