Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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