So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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