laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
