i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
