Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
