I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
