I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
The struggles of a small town man whore
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
FUCK WHALES
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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