If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
