you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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