is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
