I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
