Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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