You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
