I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
