he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
