even my farts smell like vagina
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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