The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
