peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
