Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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