And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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