Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
