Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My balls are so social today.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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