What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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