I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
