Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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