I need help removing her.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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