flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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