Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
