I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
