I hate all girls vehemently.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
