Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
