so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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