even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
