just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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