get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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