Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
