he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Someone came in the potted fern
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
