She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
