he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
