Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
