he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
