I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
