I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
