i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize