i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
