I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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