my soul wont recognize me after tonight
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
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As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
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There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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