I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
