I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
