i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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