Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize