So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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