They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
