how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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