Who wears a wallet chain?!
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
