Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
